I had “big plans” for the fall of 2018. Then… I had big plans for winter 2018… Then, those turned into big plans for early 2019… And now? Well I’m not sure.
I’ve been so depressed, anxious, and distracted for much of… well truthfully, all of the past year, but I kept going. I kept pushing because I had no choice, or so I thought. I kept pushing because “that’s what you’re supposed to do”. Life doesn’t stop just because you’re going through it, so I picked up my pieces and kept going. Kept working, kept producing, kept trying… until I didn’t want to anymore.
I was tired. The heaviness became too much and it felt more harmful than helpful carrying on as “normal”, when I felt anything but… like I’d been limping along all year on a broken bone, not stopping to tend to the “injury”, rest, or give myself time to heal.
And just like a physical broken bone left untreated causes more damage, that’s exactly how I started to feel. My confidence, self-worth, and motivation (to name a few) took a serious hit. I began second guessing everything and every thought kept coming back to “eh, it doesn’t matter”, “I’m not good enough”, “no one cares”, “what’s the point”.
All lies.
But lies my depressed brain quickly latched onto, and made trying to execute anything feel downright impossible.
Although I managed to keep up with client work, that’s where the bulk of my energy was going, which left me little to do much else, so I knew things had to change.
A few months ago, I made the decision to take a shooting break from mid December to early February so that I could have time to rest, reset and try to get a healthier mode of operating going…
And.
Well, it’s not pretty, but it’s going.
I find that it’s easy to romanticize the idea of change, when the process of making changes is rarely a pretty one. It’s actually really hard.
And although coming to that realization can be discouraging, I’ve been trying to remind myself that betterment is a process that requires a notice of and an appreciation for the little things, even more so when managing life with a mental illness.
So why am I sharing this now? Well unfortunately I don’t have a happy ending- yet. But I really want to. And something tells me that I’m not alone in feeling how I do.
The start of a new year can bring up all kinds of feelings, but I’ve been having to constantly remind myself that I’m not on anyone else’s time frame, and maybe you have to do that too.
Although I’m disappointed that my mental health sometimes causes things to take a bit longer than I’d like, I’m not going to stop trying.
So I leave you with this word of encouragement: whatever changes you’re trying to make, I hope that you’re able to be patient with yourself. We’ll get there by making small adjustments, little by little and taking it one moment at a time.
